The REAL Fairy Tales
by Skyskater
Summary: Our favorite captain, Hitsugaya, embarks on a journey to tell you the TRUTH behind fairy tales. NOT EDITED in any way whatsoever! And rated T for a reason, peeps! For Conflagrant Sabre.
1. Little Red Riding Hood

**A Bleach fairy tale story for Conflagrant Sabre. Oh, dear me, if you're a super huge fan of fairy tales, don't read this! I bash all your favorite fairy tales down to little teeny bits until you can barely recognize them!**

**Once again, written from Hitsugaya's POV. Simply because it sounds better that way.**

* * *

So how is everybody doing today? Wait. No. That's a rhetorical question, don't answer that, because, frankly, I DON'T want to hear how your day is. Seriously. I'm not some Oprah Winfrey here.

Anyway, if you think the people who make up fairy tales are the best people in the world, you should not be reading this. Because, frankly, all those stories were NOT made up, they were based on unfortunate happenings that, often, revolved around me in some way or another. Why? I have absolutely no clue! But that's just the way life is. Let's start with my story, shall we?

We all know the tale of Little Red Riding Hood. If you don't, because it is never safe to assume, then here's the compressed version of it:

Red Riding Hood goes into the woods to visit her grandmother, is attacked by a savage wolf and is eaten with her grandmother, and a vicious logcutter cuts open the wolf without harming either of them and lets them escape.

YEEEEAH. SO not what happened.

_It was a bright and sunny morning...or, should I say, it was a DARK AND STORMY night. I was on my way to visit my grandmother, because, frankly, my dad was being a tool and had claimed that Grandmother was dying from a terrible disease called the COMMON COLD...Yeah, right! And then my mother, since I was already going out anyway, sent me along with a basket of cookies and biscuits for Grandmother...as if they would help her not go into the light. Frankly, as far as I was concerned, the old lady could just up and go anyway! Sweet mother of pigs, it wasn't as though she was doing anything useful..._

_And all that crap about walking three miles uphill both ways through the snow to school? Yeah. I'm not buying it._

_So I was riding along on my ten speed, glaring at all the other happy citizens. I mean, if YOU had to deliver cookies to your not-so ailing grandmother, would you be happy? Now, honestly._

_While I was riding through the woods, this vile creature came up to me. It was a wolf. Of course, it was no match for Hyourinmaru, because, well, I was a prodigy of fighting, even at that tender age. But, I guess, the tribe of wolves that lived in that sector of the woods were cannibal, for the scent of the blood attracted them like maggots to a rotten piece of meat. And then, before you know it, I'm being attacked by these wolves from all around and all that other shit, and for some reason the Mortal Kombat theme song was playing..._

_And then, this guy dressed gayly in a pink flower robe stepped out of the bushes and proceeded to do the Numa Numa Dance, which, of course, dispelled all the wolves instantly. Then, he walked up to me and calmly said, "Dearest son, please, do not fear. Those cannibal wolves merely can be repelled by the use of the dance and the Mortal Kombat theme song. Furthermore, you should always remember - ARE THOSE COOKIES?"_

_At which point, he snatched the basket away from me and began to stuff his face with cookies and biscuits, drinking some sake from a bottle every now and then. _

_I never got to Grandma's house. That's alright. I just told my dad that I'd been ambushed by a bunch of cannibal wolves doing the Numa Numa Dance and playing the Mortal Kombat theme song, and he believed me. I mean, strange things can happen in those woods, thanks to that atomic bomb that stupid Quincy Uryuu Ishida dropped here a few years ago..._

_ANYWAY, moral of story: Cannibal wolves can be repelled using the Numa Numa Dance and the Mortal Kombat theme song, and acting like an all-around mental person, fresh from the REHAB unit._

Okay. I mean, WHAT THE HELL? Whoever wrote those fairy tales sure was dyslexic, because, I mean, that's the truth up there, clear cut and dried and packaged up in one of those cute little UPS packages. Dude, seriously. How can you get that much farther from the truth? And for that matter, they got my name wrong too: In my youth, it was Little White Riding Captain. And my gender? HELLO! Do I really need to pull down my pants to prove this to you? I'm a BOY! Get it? B O Y! Jesus Lord, I don't get how you can mistake a girl for a boy! I know girls are supposed to be all innocent and shit, but THEY'RE NOT! THEY'RE NOT, I TELL YOU! Why do you think the majority of hookers and sluts and cheap whores on the sides of the street are WOMEN? BINGO!

And, by the way, I would think you'd have noticed by this time that I don't have BOOBS. I don't have massive squishy appendages protruding from my front, thank you very much! I can also see my toes, which also points to the fact that I have NO boobs! (**Skyskater note: I actually can't see my toes when I'm undressed and standing up straight. And not because I'm fat, either. My mom actually thinks I'm anorexic.)**

So, at any rate, yeah. If anybody should be writing the fairy tale stories, it should be me, because, frankly, I'm the only one around here who's actually telling the truth! I mean, really! You can't get much farther from the truth than that! And, of course, Grandma did NOT perish, as I had predicted she would, but my dad was still scolding me for letting some stranger come up to me and steal our hard-worked on cookies (which were Toll House by the way and not homemade as everybody would like to pretend), because he thought I might have gotten herpes or meningitis or something from strange men in flower robes. Or maybe he figured that I had suddenly caught a whiff of gayness and had decided to become bisexual, or, even worse, incestuous, overnight. Yeah. Somehow, I just don't see myself as the kind of person who would kiss my own father. Or my own mother, for that matter.

Yeah. But so this story is mainly just to tell all you American folks over there in the "Free Land" what really goes on in fairy tales. They just edit all the bad stuff out, you know, like STD's, sex, rape, incest, you know, all that good stuff that they find not appropriate for children. Well, if you are a child, you cannot blame me for violating your innocent little minds. This is RATED T FOR A REASON!

Next story that we shall be dissecting: Hansel and Gretel. What was really in those bread crumbs that caused them to glow under the light of the moon??


	2. Hansel and Gretel

**So, Hansel and Gretel this time around. What really made those bread crumbs glow?**

**Was it rat poison? Radiation from an airport's X-rays? Or something...from another planet? DUN DUN DUN...**

* * *

So, everybody, been reading more lies from Walt Disney lately? Jeez, I can't believe that we have a Disneyland here in Japan, when all the people here know that Walt Disney is a thieving schemer who is controlling people from beyond the grave! I mean, who in their right mind would WANT to dress up in some poofy inflatable costume that makes them look as if they are pregnant? Oh, and did you see on the news today, this 71 year old man was misdiagnosed with a case of pregnancy? Anyway, moving on now...

Yeah. But nobody wants to dress up in an inflatable suit like Winnie the Pooh. It makes them look pregnant, and even though they only have to work like, 5 or 10 minutes of the day, they'll probably die of heat stroke in those costumes. I swear. Or else, they'll trip over a nonexistent rock and be all, "Oh God, I've fallen, and I can't get up! Wait...aren't I an Athiest?"

So today I'll be discussing the topic of Hansel and Gretel. If you don't know the story, here it is, in summarized format.

Hansel and Gretel's father commit a serious case of adultery, the two parents get divorced, father remarries to wicked stepmother. Stepmother is jealous of children, sends children out on errand with wicked intent, children get lost, father finds, stepmother devises another plan. Same plan as before, which was extremely stupid, but this time Hansel leaves bread crumbs to find way back. However, being the stupid child that he is, Hansel does not know that other animals besides humans can eat bread crumbs. So, that's a no go. Hansel and Gretel now lost in woods. Wander through woods, being extremely stupid and probably looking for a directory, find candy house, proceeds to eat candy house (very very stupid, you don't know what your food has touched last), witch comes out. Stuffs Hansel and Gretel in pen, fattens them up with intentions of practicing cannibalism, Gretel shoves witch in oven at last moment. Children fill pockets with good food and somehow find their way back to the cottage.

Uh huh. I happen to know Hansel and Gretel, or, in this case, Orihime and Sora. Sora has been recently deceased, just so you know, from a car crash, as I believe. Either way, he's already dead. Don't need to know the details. Anyway, let me tell you the REAL UNCUT story of Hansel and Gretel. Excuse me, I meant Orihime and Sora. I suppose they just went ahead and changed the names because nobody wants to hear about Japanese Communist children who are just so extremely stupid and don't know a directory from a rock.

_Orihime and Sora lived in a violent family. Their father had had several affairs with many different women and had probably contracted several forms of STDs at this point. Their mother was a cheap slut who would sell herself off for a quarter and a free beer. Well, things were BOUND to turn out badly. I mean, you can't really get much worse than that._

_So, eventually, their mother filed for divorce. I mean, she had to use her body to pay her marital lawyer, because she did not have a penny to her name. Not even half a penny. Okay, excuse me. The only money she had she picked up on the street, and she lived off Big Macs she found scrounging in dumpsters. The two got divorced, and eventually their mother died of a drug overdose. Yeah. Way too much weed there, honey!_

_Their new stepmother wasn't much better. She was a devious alcoholic with a Satanic twist. She always wore black and insisted on converting the cozy little condo to a shrine dedicated to Lucifer and all things demonic. That lady had FLAILS that she beat herself with during her Satanic ceremonies. I don't know what their father saw in her, but, well, there's something in everyone, I suppose. _

_So this lady was jealous of the two children for being too God-like. I guess she thought that if they were too God-like, they'd only have farther to fall when they went into the dark side, which would, inadvertently, make them better Satanic worshippers than her. So she made a plan. She lured them out of the cottage and into the forest with jelly beans and left them on a rock in the middle of the woods. Their father, who was a park ranger, came back from a long discussion with Yogi Bear about why he could not steal picnic baskets for his lunch, found them, and took them back home, thinking the stupid children had just wandered out of the perfectly safe cottage and into the dangerous woods for a lark. I can see where the brains are in this family._

_Their stepmother was angry, but showed it by flailing herself even harder during her daily Satanic ritual. Sora, having a stalk of leek in his pocket, left little pieces of leek along the trail so that they could find their way home. But, of course, the leeks were gone! Why? Because Yogi Bear ate them! _

_STORY OF THE LEEKS: The leeks glowed like the bread crumbs in the American Hansel and Gretel. They at least got that part right. The leeks glowed because a while ago, Sora had gone through an airport, and had mistakenly scanned his basket of leeks instead of his luggage. As a result, he was allowed to keep the ecstasy that was in his luggage, but the leeks underwent radiation therapy and therefore started to glow. Yeah. Well, I mean, he sold it illegally over in Mexico, the ecstasy, I mean, but nobody would touch the leeks, because, well, who wants to touch a glowing leek? _

Anyway, that's the story of Hansel and Gretel. The REAL story. Because, frankly, if the American people over there wrote it like it is, then many children would be scared to go out at night to take out the trash or anything, even if they live in an urban area. Did that make sense? Who cares if it did. I don't.

Right. There you have it, in a nutshell. Or in a leek-case, whatever you want.

Up next: Sleeping Beauty. How in the hell did 'Sleeping Beauty' manage to stay asleep for 100 years? Was it a drug overdose? Was it grief over Prince Philip cheating on her?

* * *

**LOL, this story is getting so out of hand it's funny.**

**Anyway, I'm gonna be staring a new story very soon, called 'You Ask, Hitsugaya Answers'. Basically, it's a story where you can ask Hitsugaya WHATEVER the hell you want, assuming that it's T-rated, and he'll (we'll) answer it! You can also ask me questions in that story too! So...if you want to help me start the first chapter of it, PM me with a question you have for me/Hitsugaya or both! Many PMs appreciated.**


	3. Sleeping Beauty

**Sleeping Beauty now. Oh, I bet you guys know that I know that I will abuse these poor characters. Especially Prince Philip.**

**So, what made Sleeping Beauty stay asleep for a hundred years? Was it a drug overdose? Was it grief over Prince Philip becoming sexually active and cheating on her? Or was it...something else? DUN DUN DUN. (How many of you are actually reading this and doing the sound effects? I just wanna know.)**

* * *

They build Disneylands in almost every country that is popular, aka USA (two of them as far as I know of in America: Disneyworld and Disneyland), Japan, etc. However, they don't build Disneylands in places like...Niger or wherever where it's so poor that there was only one athlete competing in the Beijing Olympics from that country. Seriously, you guys, if you imagine the pressure that guy must have been under....that would totally suck to be him. If I was him, I'd probably kill myself. But yeah. Isn't that racist? To not build a Disneyland in some poor deprived country? Oh wait, that would only put them further in debt and then they'd be ruled over by Communist China. I forgot. Excuse me. (Since there is no real way to write sarcasm on the Internet, I just want to point out that the last few sentences were SARCASM. With a capital S.) And I don't care if the Beijing Olympics are already over. Skyskater feels the need to keep reliving her Chinese heritage.

Right, so here's the American version of Sleeping Beauty:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was very beautiful. When she was born, they had a celebration for her. (As if the damn kid could tell anyway. Ingrate.) The king and queen invited everybody they knew, except for a bad witch. The bad witch came anyway (Yeah! You stand up for yourself, sister! Amen!) and cursed the girl by saying that if she pricked her finger with a spindle, she and everyone else would fall into a deep sleep and the castle would be surrounded by thorns until her prince came to kiss her and break the spell. So the king and queen had every spindle in the country burned. (Yeah, right. Who'd take the time to do that?)

One day, the princess found a spindle in her room, so being the dumb bitch that she was, she went and sat down to spin. Then, of course, she pricked her finger. God. Don't these people ever hear of being careful? So anyway, she and everybody else fell into a deep sleep and the castle was surrounded by thorns.

There was a prince who heard of this phenomenon and decided that he would have a go at it. (Poor, brave, stupid soul.) And, well, he hacked through the thorns, broke the spell, then the witch got all angry and turned into a dragon, which the prince promptly slayed. Slew. Whatever. And then the princess and prince and the rest of the castle lived happily ever after.

TOTAL BS! I mean, seriously! How the hell did Sleeping Beauty not age? I mean, there are several flaws in this story. Let me tell you the real version, uncut:

_Rukia was a poor, deprived little child who was born into a violent family. (See, I don't bother with all that once upon a time shit. It wastes time.) When she was born, they did NOT have a celebration for her. When she got old enough to do chores and make something useful of herself, she was usually scrounging for food or for money or for something that might help her family of eight be better. One day a man came up to her. His name was Byakuya. (LOL. I think we all know where this is going.) Byakuya asked her who she was, what she was doing, and after a deep conversation involving the physics of cookies, he gave her some money and departed. _

_Now, Mayuri got jealous that Byakuya had child friends, and so he cursed Rukia using a Hell Butterfly. Rukia, of course, had no idea what the Hell Butterfly was, and so allowed it to fly around her over and over again, casting on her a curse that she was not aware of. And then, one day, she went and cut herself on the corner of a market stall while she was running around the corner from a man who she had stolen apples from. And then, of course, she fell into a deep sleep._

_Not like her family cared. They left her to the wolves, or, in this case, Mayuri. _

_So, several years passed, during which Rukia did not grow because Mayuri kept injecting this poison into her that stopped her body from growing as long as she was asleep. And then, finally, some poor dear soul, Kaien Shiba, decided that he was too bored with his life and decided to go and rescue her from the evil white hands of Mayuri._

_Well, he did, and, well, you can see where that got him. The guy's dead now. DEAD. I mean, Rukia's still alive, but her body hasn't progressed as much as it should have, because of the poison Mayuri worked on her. Oh yeah. Mayuri's not dead either. He possessed Kaien's body and ate his way out by first impregnating the poor man and having Kaien go into labor so that he would survive. Ya know, like that Szayel guy's ability, but not. Seriously. The nurses were so freaked out when they learned that dear Kaien was giving birth that they passed out and he was left to his own wits while delivering a fully-grown Mayuri, which, of course, killed him._

_He was not killed by a Hollow, mind you. The noble Shiba died during childbirth._

And that is the story of Sleeping Beauty, or in this case, Rukia and Kaien! Seriously. If Kuukaku knew that her older brother had died during childbirth, then hell, I doubt that she'd want to be a Shiba for much longer. (The Shiba family is really twisted, I must say. In that "Noble" family, it's possible for males to get pregnant and girls never have periods. This is not even a joke.)

So there's the real story of Sleeping Beauty. Seriously. If Americans wrote it the way it was, then hell, gay marriage would be LEGAL in California and all parts of the United States because somehow it would be possible for men to get pregnant!

Up next: Snow White. How did she put up with being the slave to seven little dwarves? How did she keep that apple in her mouth for so long? And most importantly, how did she learn to seduce her prince so well if she had been asleep for all those years? Hmm?

**Oh God. I can't imagine what my next chapter is going to be like. **

**Actually, for most of my stories, I just write and let the story go as it will. Like in my Guide to High School story. It writes itself. I swear it does.**

**So, review! AND NO FLAMES, OR MAYURI WILL POISON YOU BECAUSE HE WANTS CHILD FRIENDS LIKE BYAKUYA!**

**Darn. I haven't yet managed to incorporate Byakuya jokes. I will though, I will.**


	4. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

**So here we are now discussing the tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. **

**How did she manage to have the patience to put up with seven men? Lord knows women these days can only put up with ONE. How did she keep the apple in her mouth for so long? And how in the hell did she manage to seduce her prince whose name I cannot think of at this moment after being asleep for all those years and consequently not keeping up on the latest fashion trends??? Or was the guy just too desperate? Or...something ELSE? DUN DUN DUN...**

There is nothing more I love to do than expose what really happened in the fairy tales. I swear, those Americans, they lie left and right to make their children believe that there is such a thing as true love and a happily ever after and that the two counterparts of that relationship did not, in fact, come from violent families or were not in an abusive or sadomasochistic relationship during or before they met each other. (S&M, sadomasochism or whatever it's called. I can't be bothered to look it up right now.) And then the kids grow up, believe all the BS their parents fed them, and then look where they get! They get divorced! Seriously, isn't the rate of divorces in America like, 50 percent or something like that?

So anyway, let me tell you the American version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves if you do not know it already:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a wicked stepmother. (You don't see wicked stepfathers in here, I wonder why??? I mean that in the best of ways.) Well, alright, this girl's mother had died right after wishing for her to have rosy lips, fair skin, and dark hair. Hence the stepmother. The stepmother didn't like the girl, Snow White, so she booted her right out of the house. Just like that. A no nonsense type of woman. That's my kind of girl right there. Now only if she was a bit shorter and not so evil looking....

So anyway, Snow White ran and ran through the bitter dark forest (hell, it was probably light and they were making a major exaggeration) until she came to a dear little cottage which she went into. Haven't these people heard of locks? Seriously. So she went to sleep on one of the seven beds (she could have gotten herpes from that bed, and it would have served her right if she had!) and the seven little dwarves that owned the cottage came home and found her. Hell, if I'd found her in my bed, I'd have called Byakuya over to eat her for trespassing. He's very anal about trespassing, that Byakuya.

Right. So then the dwarves ask her to do their chores for them, and lo and behold, she does it! Why? I don't know, my best friend forever Jill? Right. But then a witch comes and feeds her a poison apple one day while the dwarves were out at work. Snow White never actually swallowed the poison apple, making this story grammatically incorrect because most poisons need to be ingested to actually have an effect. But no. Apparently that witch had some access to Mayuri's secret stock of deadly poisons or whatever, because when Snow White took a bite she just up and died on the floor.

So the dwarves made a coffin for her and set her in the middle of the woods and they mourned. One day her prince came, let's call him Prince...um...James and saw her. He thought that she deserved a proper burial. So he and the seven dwarves began to move the coffin to a place that would make a good burial spot. They apparently didn't know how to carry a coffin without jolting it and the person inside, because they jolted her and miraculously her mouth flew open, the apple came popping back out, and she was alive again! Like The Grudge, but not!

So Prince James and Snow White rode off on his white horse (poor thing, it probably gets abused all the time at home) to his shining castle in the sunset.

SO NOT what happened.

The real story of Snow White and Prince James is actually a happy version of Nel Tu's and Nnoitora's vicious relationship with each other. If you do not know who Nel Tu or Nnoitra is, then you should look them up. I am not a dictionary and consequently will not take the time to explain them to you.

_Nel Tu, or Nel, for short, was a very disobedient little girl with a passion for torturing small animals. Her mother, being an environmentalist and a person who desperately wanted to stop panda poaching, tried to get Nel to stop this by sending her to Saddening Happenings Including Trauma, or SHIT. But of course Nel just had a psychotic issue and could not stop, so her mother kicked her out of the house._

_She wept for a while after killing off a few animals, then ran away to join Aizen's army of Espada, who made her number three and made her cook and clean and do all their chores for them. Grimmjow especially. He was never one to not take advantage of free labor. So anyway, one day Aizen and Gin and all the rest of the Espada were out, and Nnoitra was the only one remaining in Hueco Mundo, besides Nel. Being the gullible little bitch that she was, she thought that him giving her an apple was like a proposal, so she said, "Oh, of course I'll eat this apple, Nnoitra! I want to be your eternal slave!" _

_Okay. It wasn't exactly like that, but you get my point._

_So she ate it, and inside it there was a poison thingy that made her get amnesia. It did not make her die, mind you, it just made her forget who she was and so as a consequence she morphed back and forth between her adult self and child self. Her adult self was...not sexless, far from it, because Kubo Tite does not know how to draw girls with small boobs, and her child self vomited a lot; she thought her vomit was spit, but it actually was vomit that had some form of healing powers to them._

_So anyway, she got amnesia, which allowed Nnoitora to take over her position at Hueco Mundo as number three instead of number five. But then, being the sad and depressed emotional sexually frustrated sob that he was, he suddenly had a sexual foray with her in her adult form without remembering that he had been the one to poison her in the first place, and he made her amnesia go away. This caused her to get all pissed off at him because she remembered what he had done to her, but of course she still firmly believed in male chavinism for some reason, which is the sexist belief that males are stronger than females, both intellectually and powerwise, so she was left to his mercy. Then Kenpachi came, and killed Nnoitra. And Nel lives on._

So anyway, that right there is the true story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, or should I say Nnoitra and Nel Tu? Honestly now, that is the real version of Snow White. A few things that I think Nel could have done better would be to have attended the SHIT meetings, because it does not appear that that organization actually teaches shit and the fine arts of it...and perhaps Nnoitra could be less of a male chauvinist. I think he was gay anyway. With...Stark.

Up next: Cinderella. Were the animals that she was friends with hallucinations because she was on marijuana? Why didn't the fragile glass slippers break when she was running away from the ball? And how, oh how oh how did the animals have enough brain capacity to help her in her locked in state by bringing her the keys?!

**NO FLAMES! OR I WILL MAKE NNOITRA HAVE A SEXUAL FORAY WITH YOU AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT! (best flame ever =D)**

**But feel free to review. They are always appreciated!**


	5. Cinderella

**We now discuss Cinderella. Were the animals that she was friends with hallucinations because she was on marijuana? Why didn't the fragile glass slippers break when she was running away from the ball? And how did the animals free her from her locked up state by bringing her the keys?!**

* * *

God. Cinderella. There have been remakes of it, new editions of it, SEQUELS to it, you'd have thought American children would be tired of it by now. But oh no...she is just so damn popular that SquareEnix makes a game called Kingdom Hearts (which is actually not that bad) and portrays her as a pure and innocent Princess of Heart in the game. I am Toushirou Hitsugaya, and I do NOT approve that message. God. I hate politicians. Cinderella should be a politician. God knows she's sleazy enough to do it.

Anyway, American version of Cinderella:

_Cinderella lives with her father, wicked stepmother, and wicked stepsisters. (Why is everything step? Are the Disney people afraid that kids are gonna run away if they make a movie with a wicked sister or wicked father or something? Come on. The people who watch Disney are, like, eight years old and have no brain capacity to even do simple arithmetic, let alone work out how much change they need to get on a subway to the next city...) She does all the chores. Then the women of the family get invited to go to a ball. Cinderella is not included. (Damn straight. You oughta be doing the dishes. What do you expect us to eat off of, the floor?)_

_Then they lock Cinderella up. (Where the freak do they think she is going to go?) A godmother appears. Her fairy godmother. (As if.) She makes Cinderella into a pretty princess with her mice friends as horses and a pumpkin as her carriage, gives her a pretty dress and glass slippers, and tells her to go off and enjoy the ball. (That was an unprovoked act of rebellion. I believe we would have been quite justified in dropping several tons of nerve gas on her.) Her stepsisters and mother don't recognize her (how stupid! You'd think she got a face lift or something for them not to recognize her) and she dances with the prince, falls in love with the prince, then realizes that it's midnight and she has to go home. She runs away from the ball, one of her slippers falls off, she runs on without it because her carriage is going to change back and she is going to be realized as the servant girl._

_So she barely gets home. The prince decides he will look for her because she was so beautiful (shallow bastard) and claims that whoever can fit into the glass slipper will be his bride. (What an odd way of looking for someone. Nowadays, every girl is like a size seven.) The Duke goes to Cinderella's house, tries the stepsisters' feet. Cinderella at this point is locked up because of the news, but her insane mouse friends went and got her the key and unlocked the door for her. So she comes down the stairs, tries on the slipper, and whala! it fits. So then she and Prince Charming get married happily ever after._

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

The real story of Cinderella is actually Hisana and Byakuya Kuchiki's epic flirting phase. Except with different names and looks and all that. Disney Imagineers would die if they had to put a male with hair clips into a Disney movie. Wait...no screw that. It's not Disney Imagineers. Those are the people with the Virtual Reality things that are actually cool...

Right. So anyway, Byakuya loved Hisana a whole lot and he wanted her. And when a noble wants something, you can't say "No" or he'll chop your head off!

Hisana was on cocaine. She had absolutely no freaking clue what the heck was going on when she was dancing with Byakuya at his ball, having just slipped in and having happened to just have stolen a nice dress from a clothing store because she had a feeling that she would need to wear a nice dress that night. And the glass slippers were not, in fact, glass. They were plastic. Or plexiglass. Or something of the sort that looks like glass but actually isn't.

When the ball ended, she was so saddened that she left one of her plastic slippers with Byakuya. Now Byakuya knew that no decent and respectable woman would go around wearing plastic/plexiglass shoes, so he immediately began to search her out. (Byakuya was a trashy noble; he wanted a slut. Not some respectable woman. No sirree. A slut. Good and proper.) When he finally located her, she was living in a cardboard box in an alley in the 87th district of Rukongai and talking to mice because she was high. He loved her crazy attitude and decided to marry her. A few years later she died of a drug overdose. End of story.

Please note that Hisana was not actually locked up. She was just set under restraints because of lack of money, lack of common sense, and being drugged up all the time.

That right there is the true story of Cinderella, or Hisana and Byakuya's love. Even though it was probably one-sided. Most of the time Hisana was high out of her mind and could not comprehend exactly what Byakuya was trying to say, so she couldn't respond "I love you" to him if he said "I love you." because she wouldn't be able to understand it! Because she was "fucking high" to quote a certain James Blunt song that has been too overplayed...

Up next: The Three Little Pigs. How did the pigs walk on two legs? How did the pigs build? Why were the pigs so stupid...was it lack of education or just genetics? I'm personally rooting for genetics...what goes around comes around. Stupidness must run in the family.

Tune in next time to hear the REAL version of The Three Little Pigs.

**NO FLAMES! OR I WILL GIVE YOU PLEXIGLASS/PLASTIC SHOES AND YOU WILL BE REGARDED AS A CRACKHEAD SLUT WHO LIVES IN A CARDBOARD BOX TALKING TO MICE WHILE BEING HIGH OUT OF YOUR MIND! **

**Review please! **


	6. The Three Little Pigs

**The Three Little Pigs: An innocent fable to show that a certain species of pig is indeed smarter than its brethren? Or...something else...DUN DUN DUN...**

**I am so excited! Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories is coming out in North America on December 2nd!!!! (I'm a KH fangirl...=D)**

* * *

The tale of the Three Little Pigs never made it to a movie by itself. Yes, there have been children's books about it published by several thousand different publishers across the world. No, it has never made it to the Disney vault. Why, you ask? That question is simple. Walt Disney did not want to corrupt his millions of child friends by turning one of the most horrific child's tales ever invented into a movie. God knows what he could have done if he had made it a RIDE...kids would be screaming bloody murder and would probably jump out of the carriage to impale themselves on whatever they put down there at the bottom of the Peter Pan rides. You know, the ones where you get in this "flying" boat thing? Yeah.

While the Three Little Pigs did make it to the Dreamworks productions of Shreks I, II, and III (God, I hope they're not intending to make it like Saw...I don't understand it. I was pretty impressed the first two or so movies, but to go on and make FIVE? Isn't that a bit overdramatic?) they never had a movie of their own. Simply because the true tale was far too violent to make them into a movie.

The American version is much more gentle than the uncut version...and even then, Disney considered it way too violent. Only goes to show you how bad the UNCUT version is...

Here's the American version:

_There were Three Little Pigs. They were unnamed, so for now we shall just call them Pig I, Pig II, and Pig III. They decided to leave home because they had gotten too old to live with their parents. (You're never too old to live with your parents. Heck, until I turned fifty, I lived with my GRANDMA.) So they went off along this cute little path over the hills and far far away._

_Pig I decided to stop to build a house. He found a straw vendor. He bought the straw and made a house out of straw. (He was extremely stupid, let's just say he suffered from a severe case of mental retardation.) And there he lived._

_Pig II, later on, decided to stop to build a house as well. He found a stick vendor. He bought the sticks and made a house out of the sticks. (Now, this might be more sensible if the sticks had actually been logs, but no, they were sticks.) And there he lived._

_Pig III, deciding that he did not want to walk another damned mile, decided to stop to build his house. He found a brick vendor. He bought the bricks and made a house out of the bricks. (Pretty stable, although that thing would not have lasted in an earthquake. None of those wiggly things they place on the bottoms of skyscrapers and tall buildings in San Francisco or New York City. You know, those rubbery things that only make the building sway in an earthquake and never actually let them fall because the buildings are now more flexible due to the rubber things? Yeah. Those.)_

_Then a wolf came. The wolf was hungry, because all his other wolf brethren had died of a disease. (Remember how I talked about the cannibal wolves in the first chapter? This wolf was part of that wolf clan.) So he decided that he would be having pork that night. So he came to the first house, the pig refused to let him in by the hairs of his chinny chin chin (didn't they shave?) and the wolf got mad and blew the house down. So Pig I ran to Pig II's house for shelter._

_The wolf went to Pig II's stick house. Once again, the pigs refused him entry by the hairs of their chinny chin chin and the wolf got mad and blew the house down. Then Pig I and Pig II went to find shelter in Pig III's house. Now if that is not taking advantage of someone, I don't know what is._

_The wolf went to Pig III's house. The pigs refused to let him inside by the hairs of their chinny chin chin. But he couldn't blow this house down. So he decided to go in through the chimney. The three little devious pigs (they must have had a glass ceiling to know what the wolf was doing) decided to put a pot of water in the fireplace to boil. So when the wolf came down the chimney, he fell in the pot of boiling water and burned himself so badly that he ran out of the house without ever getting to eat any one of the three little pigs._

As if.

The real story is much, much worse than that...This story came from someplace worse.  
"Like terrorists?" asked a random viewer.  
"No, NOT like terrorists. This came from someplace...worse..."  
"Oh, you mean like Europe?"  
"NO, Robbie, NOT like Europe!"

Sorry. Just had to say that. Moving on now.

The Three Little Pigs: American Style is just an alternation of Omaeda, the Lieutenant from the 2nd Division, Yammi the tenth Espada, and Szayel Aporro Grantz, the eighth Espada.

Now, Omaeda and Yammi are both extremely fat, as we all know. However, Szayel is anorexic. So it would not be good to go calling them the Three Little Pigs, but for the sake of not confusing you, we shall call them the Three Little Pigs anyway.

So the story started out with Omaeda leaving Soul Society to go hang in Hueco Mundo with his "brothas." Apparently he was misunderstood. Soi Fong couldn't stand him eating those fried rice crackers at all hours of the day, so she booted him out. He went to Hueco Mundo, where he met Yammi and Szayel.

They wandered through the desert of Hueco Mundo (Szayel was on a vacation and Yammi was there because he was Omaeda's "brotha from anotha motha.") and Omaeda decided he wanted to build a house. He built one out of the sand. How he did that? I don't know. But he made a sand castle and lived there.

Yammi took a step further from Omaeda's house and decided that he would make a house out of the branches of the dead trees that littered the desert sand of Hueco Mundo. So now they were neighbors.

Szayel, being smart, went back to Las Noches. He'd had enough of this vacation and wanted to go experiment on some unsuspecting human subject in which he could implant a video camera into their stomach to see exactly what kind of bodily functions went on during digestion or some other scientific crap like that.

So BawaBawa (if you don't know who that is, look up Nel Tu and her Fraccion on Bleach Wikipedia or something. I don't want to explain this to you.) was all playing the Jaws theme and sneaking up to Omaeda's house. Omaeda was listening to Good Charlotte and did not hear BawaBawa come up to his door. Instead of knocking, because he couldn't knock, BawaBawa just burst through the sand castle and gobbled up Omaeda, headphones and all.

BawaBawa was still hungry. So he went next door to Yammi's house. Yammi was sleeping. So BawaBawa just burst through that stick house and ate Yammi, too. And the brothas from anotha motha were reunited inside of BawaBawa's stomach.

Next, BawaBawa decided to go to Las Noches, because there was a particularly good smell emanating from the white castle that he had traced from the two destroyed houses. It was Szayel's cologne. So he thundered through the desert all the way to Las Noches, up to Szayel's window, looked in, saw the anorexic little fellow doing some open heart surgery on some guy with long blonde hair (cough cough Il Forte cough cough), and BawaBawa passed out. He had never liked the sight of blood.

Of course, it had been a pretend open heart surgery to distract BawaBawa, and the blood was actually artificial blood. So the two Grantz brothers got up, looked outside the lab window, and saw BawaBawa lying there in the sand, passed out, and with strains of Good Charlotte's "I Don't Wanna Be In Love Dance Floor Edition" coming out of his belly.

Disney does not wish to have open heart surgery, even if it is pretend open heart surgery, in its movies. Also, Disney Productions does not want to reveal the fact that they do not support anorexic people, such as Szayel. Why? Because Disney is supposed to be open-hearted to everybody, and that's just plain racist if I ever saw.

So, tune in next time to hear the UNCUT version of Rapunzel.

* * *

**NO FLAMES! OR I SHALL HAVE SZAYEL DO PRETEND OPEN HEART SURGERY ON YOU!!! AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT!**

**BuH-bYe!  
skyskater**


	7. Rapunzel

**Rapunzel: Goddamn girl! How much money did you spend on shampoo?!**

* * *

Let us first start off this chapter with what was said last chapter. Specifically the "No Robbie, NOT LIKE EUROPE!" scene with a random viewer. I have no idea where that is from, but it is from a movie. So...yeah. That's all.

Okay. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair...and I can't remember the rest of this rhyme. Basically, Rapunzel was too violent of a fairy tale to put in the Disney Vault, because of some guy poking his eyes out and becoming blind in a desert. Disney doesn't do blood or anything else, except for that one scene in Beauty and the Beast where the Beast gets stabbed. And I'm not quite sure if Beauty and the Beast is a fairy tale or not...would someone be quite kind as to help me with this? Excellent. Just click that green button and tell me if it is!

Basically, here's the American version:

_Rapunzel's mother was stupid. She looked out her window one day while she was pregnant with Rapunzel, and saw these turnip beet things growing in her next door neighbor's yard. She wanted them. And she wanted them NOW._

_So she made her husband go out and get them for her, even though their next door neighbor was a witch. Rapunzel's father did it because God knows he probably would have been sleeping on the floor if he had not obtained the turnips, but the witch caught him. So he struck up a deal with the hag: In exchange for the turnips, Rapunzel would have to be sent to live with the witch as soon as she was born._

_So the deal was done, Rapunzel went to live with the witch. The witch locked her up in a tower with one window and no doors so she couldn't escape, and Rapunzel stayed up there all day long, singing and other princessy stuff like that. One day a Prince heard her voice and called up to the tower. And they talked._

_They continued this ritual for quite some time, and then Rapunzel had an idea. "Here, I'll let down my hair and you can climb up on it!" Yeah right. Seriously. Whose hair is that strong?_

_But she did that, and the prince came up. They continued this ritual until one day the witch saw them at it._

_So the next day, the witch cut off Rapunzel's long braids and put them on hooks. She dangled the hooks out the window when the Prince called up to her. The Prince climbed up, saw the witch, was all, "WTF?" and then he was thrown out of the tower before he could get another word in, where he fell to his doom. He pricked his eyes on some thorns and became blind._

_So after becoming blind, he wandered around for a bit, and then he heard Rapunzel singing again. So he followed the sound of her voice. He climbed up, again (I guess her braids had grown back or something), she saw him, and wept, and her tears fell on his eyes, and his eyes became healed. Then they climbed back down and left._

O...kay...

Right. Well, basically, this one is about Ulquiorra and Halibel. (I don't like them as a couple, but bear with me here.)

Halibel was never trapped, she was too strong to be trapped. Instead, Ulquiorra was the one who was oppressed because he was emo and everything. So one day, Halibel was out on a walk and heard Ulquiorra saying emo things to himself and the general world outside his bedroom window. She decided to investigate. She swung her long braid up and it wrapped around Ulquiorra's windowsill, she jumped up to his bedroom, and, well, let's basically say it was...erm, tragic love at first sight.

She got so freaked out by Ulquiorra's appearance (she had a deathly fear of clowns) that her hand flew out, intending to punch him, but two of her fingers came loose from her fist and she poked his eyes. A bit too hard if you ask me. Thus resulting in temporary blindness, like the kind of blindness you get after slamming your forehead into the kitchen table in an attempt to crack a walnut. But after that, since she felt so guilty about it, she proposed to marry him. And so they rode off into the sunset...if there ever was a sunset in Hueco Mundo...

And so, to this day, Ulquiorra can take out his left eye because Halibel poked that eye WAYYY too hard and caused it to come loose from its socket, thus allowing it to be takeoutable and replaceable.

And there you have it.

Disney does not allow poking out of eyes in its movies, and yet it allows tomatoes to be thrown at a hunchback. I think they really need to reconsider their...erm...what do you call those? Oh yes. They should really reconsider their movie ratings. I think tomatoes being thrown at disabled people is at least a PG-13.

Up next: The Frog Prince. What the hell was that girl smoking, do think that a prince was a frog? Why did she kiss a frog on the lips? Why was she playing with a golden ball? Oh...the questions...and the hidden answers never revealed...

Tune in next time to hear about the Frog Prince and the stupid girl!

**LOL. That's all I have to say. This chapter was a bit short, but I'm currently thinking about starting a new story. Check out my profile, under STORY IDEAS to see my story ideas...**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, I WILL HAVE HALIBEL ENTER YOUR BEDROOM BY MEANS OF HER BRAID WRAPPING AROUND THE WINDOWSILL, AND SHE WILL POKE YOUR EYES RESULTING IN TEMPORARY BLINDNESS LIKE IF YOU SLAMMED YOUR FOREHEAD ONTO THE KITCHEN TABLE IN AN ATTEMPT TO CRACK A WALNUT!**

**Actually, I've tried that before. Cracking a walnut. And no, I did not go blind. Just temporarily, for like an hour. It was tripping. xD**

**Later  
Skyskater**


	8. The Frog Prince

**The Frog Prince: That girl had to have been high to have kissed a frog.**

* * *

Okizay. After my rather climatic birthday...is that even a word? Oh well. Who cares, right? I've decided to update this story again.

Alright. American version of The Frog Prince:

_There was a girl, she was playing with a golden ball. She tossed the golden ball up high and then it landed in a pond. She started to cry, and a frog came out of the pond to look at her. The frog said that he would get the ball for her if she would, basically, become his slave. The stupid girl that she was, she agreed to it, and so the frog got the golden ball for her._

_The frog demanded to be served at dinner. So he was served at dinner. The frog demanded then that the girl should let him sleep with her. So the girl had to agree, because of the stupid promise she had made. Then the frog demanded that the girl should kiss him. Her parents encouraged this, why, I don't actually know, but they did. Maybe they wanted to have an interracial baby. If a frog is a race._

_So the girl kissed him, rather reluctantly, and voila! There was a huge poof and some clouds of smoke that just randomly appeared out of nowhere because this is an American fairy tale and there has to be some serious special effects for it to be Americanized or whatever. And then out of the smoke came a prince. A charming, gorgeous, fair-haired prince or however you imagine your prince to be like. And the girl fell so deeply in love with him that she decided to marry him. And they lived on happily ever after._

* * *

Okay, people. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

This is actually the very tragic story of Ururu and Jinta. The author has decided to put them in here as a couple because they have absolutely no screen time whatsoever.

One day Ururu was not, in fact, playing with a golden ball, but with a yellow ball that was very shiny. She tossed it up very high into the air just to see how fast it could fall down, and a very hard wind came and blew it into the nearby puddle. She had hydrophobia, or a great fear of water, and she could not bring herself to go to the puddle and get her ball out of the puddle. God knows how she took a bath. Or, really, lived with herself. Or even lived on this planet. But I think you get the idea.

So then this boy with flaming red hair who could easily be mistaken for Renji's younger brother (heaven forbid!) or even his son (dear God...) came along and just stared at her. She was crying on the sidewalk, and looking rather forlornly toward the yellow ball lying in the puddle. Jinta, feeling sorry for this little girl, went over to the puddle, picked up the ball, wiped it off so that it was nice and dry, then walked back to Ururu and gave it back to her.

And, well, let's just say it was love at first sight.

Except now he considers her a slave and has no recollection whatsoever of their first meeting what? two years ago? Yeah. He has no memory of that whatsoever, and now he keeps her locked up in a pen in the corner of one of the rooms in Urahara's Shop.

But the real reason why Disney made it into a love story was because, in the end, all of their movies/videos have something to do with love and have to teach kids life lessons. Why? I don't know. Because Heaven forbid that one day you'll go up to a frog and kiss it just to see if it turns into a Prince. Because then, in that case, let us all sue Disney for tampering with our innocent little brains of what is right and what is wrong.

Up next: Beauty and the Beast. No explanation required.

* * *

**Yay for short chapters =D**

**ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL LOCK YOU UP IN A PEN IN THE CORNER OF ONE OF THE ROOMS IN URAHARA'S SHOP!!!!**

**Later!  
Skyskater  
**


	9. Beauty and the Beast

**I haven't been here for a while. I'm sorry. **

**Beauty and the Beast. ...No explanation required. If you have a fairy tale request, please tell me!**

* * *

I'm rather sorry I've been gone so long. I'm sorry if I have caused you to have withdrawals and spasms. But there are doctors for that.

Anyhow, moving on now.

The American version of Beauty and the Beast is pretty clean cut:

_Young girl abandoned by her father in the woods. Finds a castle, decides to go in. Why? Just for kicks. Just to see what would happen. There, she is confronted by magical talking furniture (I think you can see where I'm going with this), and this furniture leads them to their master, who is really a very handsome man in a very ugly body because he insulted an enchantress a few years ago by refusing her shelter from the rain when she was in the disguise of an old woman. Then the enchantress turned into this really pretty woman and turned the man into a vicious, violent, ugly beast and gave him a rose, telling him that when the last petal fell from the rose and he had not found true love yet, he would be doomed to live as a beast for all eternity. At least, I think that's how the story goes._

_Anyway, this girl starts to seduce him. Yeah, that's right. You heard me. I just used the word seduce. What are you gonna do about it? Huh? Huh? You wanna go? _

_Okay. Sorry._

_So this girl starts to seduce him and she finds out about the whole rose gig and how it means a lot to him. So she tries being nice to him, and when that doesn't work, she tries leaving, but she only angers him and bruises his already cut up ego. So now she's pretty much being held a prisoner in his castle, and all that other stuff. Eventually, the beast sees the error of his ways and sets her free. Now she starts to seduce him again. And this time he lets her. _

_However, the villagers back at the girl's village decide they want to kill the beast for some unfathomable reason. (Sorry, it's been a long time since I've seen that movie.) So anyway, they go to the beast's castle with torches and battering rams and knives and all that other stuff, and this one guy, he goes up to the beast and is all like, "Later, bro," and stabs him in the back. The beast roars out in pain, (quite a terrifying sound; reminiscent of Renji's morning yawn) and falls down to this balcony thing. The girl runs up to him and kisses him as he's dying, and his hand (paw?) slips from her face in a very tragic moment. She starts crying over his "dead" body, and then this magical light starts surrounding him and he's changed back into a very handsome human. He wakes up, kisses her back, and his servants are all transformed back from their furniture forms into their human bodies. Everybody is happy, blah blah blah. The end._

Ho-kay. If you didn't pick up on the sarcasm, then...wow. You're pretty dense.

* * *

In reality, this is the tale of Grimmjow and Apache. Seriously. This is like the first time throughout this whole story where the couple actually seems to make sense. Wait. I take that back. Never mind. I'm being a hypocrite. Ignore it.

Anyway, Grimmjow and Apache's tale was twisted completely around by Disney. Let me tell you what really happened.

Okay, so anyway, Aizen decided to ban Grimmjow from Las Noches because he was being a bad Arrancar and interfering with Halibel's and Ulquiorra's relationship with each other. So Grimmjow wandered around Hueco Mundo for a while, when suddenly he came upon this large palace right out of nowhere! Turns out it was Apache's palace. So he went in (he's not the brightest) and looked around and stuff. And these little insects came up to him and started talking to him in their tinny little voices and led him to Apache. Grimmjow, of course, had not understood the whole insect speech thing, but he just followed them just because he had nothing better to do.

So the insects led him to Apache with the intentions of her killing him, eating him, and leaving them the remains. Apache was in her room, all covered with fur and let me tell you, she was absolutely FREAKING HIDEOUS. But, of course, Grimmjow has odd tastes. He took one look at her and it was freaking love at first sight. I shall never know why.

But anyway, Apache decided that she wouldn't kill him because she liked him at first sight, and then she proceeded to tell him about the thorn bush growing in her backyard and how she had to find true love before the thorn bush sprouted flowers or else she would be doomed to be like that for all eternity.

Upon hearing this, Grimmjow decided that he would never ever kiss Apache before the thorn bush bloomed because he liked the way she looked now for some odd reason. And so he refused her time and time again, and one day the thorn bush finally did sprout. Apache screamed in horror because she was going to be that way for all eternity. Grimmjow smiled.

And then Apache called up her homeskillet Luppi and Luppi came over, held Grimmjow down with tentacles, and Apache proceeded to rape him. Multiple times.

Grimmjow giggled.

* * *

I'm sorry. That was mentally scarring, I know, but it is quite true. Grimmjow...was the Beauty (gag) and Apache...was the beast (understandable.) Somehow, the idea of Grimmjow dressing up in a yellow dress with a poofy skirt just doesn't appeal to me. If it appeals to you, then...I think...you should see a psychiatrist.

I'm not gonna gag, I'm not gonna gag, I'm not gonna - Oh crap. I need to go now. I'm about to throw up the mashed potatoes and pot roast I had for lunch.

* * *

And so were the stories of Bleach that nobody ever bothered to tell before. And everybody did (NOT) have a happy ending.

The End.


End file.
